Life after failing can weirdly be both a liberating and a challenging experience. The initial pressure being lifted off your shoulders, followed by the feeling of dread and waste.
After dedicating many years to a particular career and a particular goal, finding a new sense of purpose can become an unexpected struggle.
This was exactly the scenario I found myself in after retiring from COD esports, after failing to qualify for pool play at CWL Vegas 2018. The transition left me feeling lost, without direction, and searching for meaning. Little did I know that a concept called “ikigai” would open my eyes and provide me with perspective, offering a newfound purpose and a renewed zest for life.
What to do, what to do. The void of post-retirement.
Retiring from a career that had defined a significant portion of my life was a surreal experience. While the excitement of newfound freedom was undeniable, it was accompanied by a deep sense of emptiness.
Being blinded of trying to make this a reality. Time flying by.
The daily routines, camaraderie with teammates, and the adrenaline rush of competitive gaming suddenly vanished. I was left grappling with an existential question: “What now?”
What to do, what to do?
For months, I wandered without direction, trying out various hobbies and activities in an attempt to fill the void. However, none of them seemed to resonate with me on a personal and fulfilment level. It felt like I was merely passing the time, waiting for something meaningful to happen. The lack of purpose took a toll on my mental and emotional well-being, leading to a sense of stagnation and frustration.
Pardon my language but, SH*T won’t happen unless you go out and look for it.
But, how do we go out and look for something we don’t actually know exists or want?
There’s always an internal battle, whether you’re an athlete who had retired after a glamourous career or a young student beginning college. An internal battle to figure it out.
Discovering the light at the end of the tunnel. Finding my "ikigai"
I resorted to my Plan B. Back at university, doing a medical degree i didn’t really want, in the hopes of landing somewhere.
After failing, i felt a burden on my shoulder. I was in the worst shape of my life, i was diagnosed with NFALD and i was mentally in the worst space possible. I didn’t want to feel this way anymore and wanted to change, for the better. This began my self-improvement journey.
You can watch a copious amount of youtubers on how to change. What to do, what not to do. Each one with their own interpretation of self-worth, meaning and improvement – especially as a man. Each using their big houses and fancy cars as justification for their methods. But, the only thing that mattered was that my mindset and self-worth was becoming bulletproof.
In my search for this meaning, I stumbled upon the concept of “ikigai”, a Japanese term that translates to “a reason for being” or “a reason to wake up in the morning.
“Ikigai represents the convergence of four essential elements: what you love, what you are good at, what the world needs, and what you can be paid for. This powerful concept resonated with me deeply and offered a potential path forward.
As I delved deeper into the philosophy of ikigai, I realized that it provided a roadmap to navigate the uncharted waters of post-retirement life. Reflecting on my passions, skills, what I believed the world needed, and areas that could still offer a livelihood, I began to formulate a plan.
This is what got me to specialise into Cancer Research and eventually dive into Coaching. I found a renewed sense of purpose.
Best way i can describe this, was the feeling of being complete or at ease. That no matter what happens, the future will truly take care of itself. Not in a literal sense as life does take planning and goal setting but, giving me the foundation to strengthen my mindset further. Mental strength.
That the path i was on was the one that would give me the most fulfilment and success – success not being valued monetarily. Based on values, morals and convictions i didn’t appreciate as a player.
Ikigai pushed me to completely change my mindset, learn new skills, change my body, make a difference to peoples lives whether it was cancer research or coaching, and complete my degree to the highest level.
Looking back, I couldn’t help but wish that I had stumbled upon the concept of ikigai during my competitive gaming career. Having a clear sense of purpose and direction beyond the game could have potentially enhanced my performance and overall well-being. Nevertheless, I was grateful for the newfound clarity ikigai had brought into my life and its ability to transform the way I approached my post-retirement journey.
Find what give you fulfilment. Find what drives you to get out of bed every morning.
The journey from feeling lost and purposeless to embracing a life full of meaning and direction was not an easy one. It required self-reflection, the willingness to explore new avenues, and the adoption of a powerful concept like ikigai.
As I continue on this path, I can’t help but advocate for the importance of finding one’s ikigai – that sweet spot where passion, skill, purpose, and livelihood converge. If you’re at a crossroads in life, take a moment to reflect on what you love, what you’re good at, what the world needs, and what you can be paid for. Your ikigai might just be waiting to guide you toward a more purposeful and fulfilling existence.
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